


you lack conviction.

by astridianmayfly



Series: Waiting for the sun to shine [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Brodinsons, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Infinity War, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Loki Whump, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sad, Sun Motif, Team fuck thanos, Thanos is a big purple dildo, The Sun Will Shine On Us Again, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Whump, it's implied - Freeform, makes me cry, sort of lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 11:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16407206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astridianmayfly/pseuds/astridianmayfly
Summary: It's almost November and IW still ruined me





	you lack conviction.

**Author's Note:**

> It's almost November and IW still ruined me

“Ah, gatekeeper! How nice of you to join me.”

 

Loki spun around slowly in the seat of the escape pod’s cockpit, leering at the imposter. He did not reveal himself yet, but in the shadows of  _ The Statesman's _ artillery, Loki’s visitor stood silhouetted. 

 

“Please, my prince--you need not leave.” 

 

Loki leaned back in the control seat, narrowing his eyes at the shadow that was Heimdall. Loki made sure that his position in this scenario was very clear: cold, calculating, and undeniably ruthless. The dark prince. The tortured artist. For good measure, Loki crossed his legs and cleared his throat. Turned the corners of his mouth up into a well-practiced, malevolent grin before delivering his next admission. “Oh? And why, pray tell, need I stay?”

 

Loki might’ve asked how Heimdall knew that he was trying to escape. But that would have been a futile question, as he had been caught “red-handed” as the Midgardians liked to say. His hand had been poised above an escape pod’s release button, ready to plummet into the depths of The Void once more.

 

Heimdall stepped out of the darkness, fiery eyes igniting. “For one--”

 

Loki interrupted, reveling in the annoyance that played across the gatekeeper’s face. “Because I am  _ loved _ ? Is that what you were about to say? Give me a reason to remain on this Hel of a ship that is not so pitifully wreathed in  _ sentiment. _ ” 

 

_ Sentiment--Loki’s favorite word? It shocked him back--literally--to another time when he laid convulsing on the floor, his brother standing over him.  _

 

_ Easier to let it burn. _

 

_ I agree.  _

 

_ And still another memory laid behind the more recent one, the memory of a small dagger and the same very word, mentioned himself. It’s a diversion this time too, but this time to distract Thor from his moment of clarity and weakness. He knew he was wrong and yet he persisted, in fear that Thor would look behind his eyes and see nothing but a fickle and unsure child.  _

 

Heimdall interrupted his thoughts, which Loki supposed was acceptable payback for earlier. “My reasoning involved you not having left yet. Why do you hesitate?”

 

Loki forced himself to let out a long, slow chuckle. Heimdall might have been the only person in the universe who could best him in a battle of wits. And Heimdall wasn’t even being facetious, as Loki himself so often was. “Hesitate? Hardly. The only reason I have stopped my escape attempt is to have this conversation. You’re familiar, I’m sure? The one where I tell you my motives before you beg me to stop ‘this madness?’ Just wait for me to deliver the killing blow.”

 

“I am not one for begging, my prince. But I do wish to ask.” Heimdall said stoically. Loki was slightly annoyed at his calamity. The prince was about to flee--to betray the king again? Shouldn’t Heimdall protest his treasonous choice?

 

“‘Wishing to ask’ sounds akin to begging.”

 

“What does it matter?” Heimdall’s words in Loki’s own voice would have sounded cutting and harsh, but Heimdall’s own tones were as soothing as a paintbrush, creating an ideographic image for the listener. “You still have not pressed the button.”

 

_ A blade in time before Loki stabbed Thor on the ridiculous-looking tower, the mortal--who did he think that he was? Bleeding out, destined for Helheim, having the nerve to tell Loki he was going to fail? And what was his pitiful reasoning? _

 

_ You lack conviction. _

 

Heimdall was absolutely infuriating. With all his heart, Loki hated Heimdall; he hated his goodness, his obvious favoritism of his brother, the lack of spite and the surge of righteous truth in his words. Loki poorly masked his anger with a touch of humor. “Some things never change, my good gatekeeper, you are still as much of a nuisance as you were five centuries ago.” Loki stood up from his seat. “And unless you have any more queries, I will be taking my leave now.”

 

Heimdall gave a curt bow. “Godspeed, my prince. For your rescue of our people, I am forever indebted. Whatever you want, I shall assist you as a servant and a friend.”

 

What was he playing at? Heimdall was greatly known for his humility, but this attribute was never exercised around Loki.

 

Whatever he wanted?

 

_ Once, he wanted to step into the sun. To bask in the light of his own greatness. Approval that he felt he needed to earn from his father. _

 

_ Then he wanted nothing more to be wholly Aesir, as he believed his whole life. He wanted to destroy his monstrous heritage. _

 

_ Then he longed for death, but the endless Void terrified him, so he wanted to survive. _

 

“What do you want, Loki?”

 

_ Freedom from an enemy too terrible to name. Escape from torture.  _

 

What  _ did  _ he want?

 

_ After he wished to Longed for a way to his mother. A way to express his pain. To make it up to his brother, somehow. To usurp Odin’s throne, not to be a king, but to experience the satisfaction of being the one to overthrow the crazy old man.  _

 

But then there was Ragnarok and Sakaar.

 

_ To survive. To prove his worth. _

 

_ “Do you truly think so little of me?” _

 

_ “But you could be more.” _

 

_ He wanted to be more, then. _

 

And now? What did he want?

 

_ You lack conviction. _

 

What do you want, Loki?

 

_ Just press the button. _

 

_ I don’t want that. Do I? _

 

_ Yes, you do. Escape. _

 

He couldn’t do it. 

 

Loki’s hand moved away from the button he had been about to press mere seconds earlier. 

 

All the malice had been erased from his voice, all the phony malevolence from his sneer. His face became vulnerable within seconds. He sank to his knees like a child waiting to be comforted.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

His whisper laid on deaf ears. Any trace that Heimdall had been there was gone, and Loki was alone once more.

 

Left with only the mournful whir of machinery and the silent void of space.

\-----

 

“Brother.”

 

_ Thor. _

 

“Are you ok?”

 

He was worried, naturally.

 

Loki looked up at his brother. 

 

“Unfortunately, brother, I am saddened to say that I am not.”

 

Loki was glad he could not see Thor’s face when his brother reached out to him. He already knew it was stricken with pity. But when Thor’s arms reached around Loki, Loki hugged him back as tight as one would grasp onto a lifeline. 

 

_ What do you want? _

 

_ I want this. Where we turn to each other and think, “You’re all I have left.”  _

 

_ And that would be enough. _

 

\------

 

It ends at the beginning.

 

_ He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. _

 

When he faces the man of his nightmares, there is no indecisiveness in his actions. Loki gives the Titan the Tesseract. 

 

And yet, there is a determination in his gaze and fire in his eyes, and as the light fade from Loki’s eyes, he dies with the absolute certainty that he no longer lacks conviction.

 

Loki was never meant to be the hero. He died wreathed in shadows.

 

But his brother, whom Loki just saved, will avenge his death. Thor will stop the tyrannical reign of the Titan over the universe-- once and for all. Loki knows this.

 

_ What do you want, Loki? _

 

_ I want what is right. _

 

He sees nothingness, and then, sunlight.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually really like how I ended this


End file.
